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Aegis Archive

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Lapis: Hello, we’re conducting a survey on bread, would you like to take part?

Ayn (To Basel): What do I say?

Basel (To Ayn): Why are you asking me? Just hang up.

Ayn: Yes, I’d like to take part. I’m putting you on speaker, I’m with a friend.

Basel: I despise you.

Lapis: Alright, then let’s stop loafing around.

Ayn: That was a half-baked pun.

Beckett: She’s got you cornered.

Lapis: Shut up. Ma’am what is your opinion on Jesus Crust?

Ayn: Pardon?

Basel: Oh I know this one, you led with the punchline. It’s Holy Bread, what do you call holy bread?

Beckett: Jesus Crust?

Ayn: I think they knew that joke.

Lapis: Shut up, shut up, I’m conducting the survey. For the next question-

Beckett: I think this is a code bread situation, we should hang up.

Lapis: That would be admitting defeat, never!

Basel: Oh, you two are prank callers?

Beckett: No.

Lapis: YES!

Ayn: Well I’ll have you know you’ve just contacted the most dangerous mercenary group in the world, and we also happen to know a thing or two about bread.

Basel: My meatloaf was famous in Brazil before the Crisis.

Beckett: Meatloaf ain’t bread.

Basel: How dare you profane the name of my family’s venerated meatloaf recipe.

Lapis: Wait shut up about terrible foods, you said you guys were mercenaries?

Ayn: Yeah.

Lapis: Write this number down, Beckett. The brass are gonna love this!

Ayn: Wait are you two Aegis?

Beckett: No.

Lapis: Hell yeah.

Ayn: You spineless morons, you just tracked us down, didn’t you?

Basel: My mother taught me how to make that meatloaf when I was a boy, it is real bread and real meat, you are nothing!

Lapis: Listen, I’m pretty gay, but even I know Beckett is hot stuff.

Beckett: Thanks?

Ayn: Bet he’s not hotter than Basel.

Basel: I don’t even need an oven to cook my meatloaf, I breathe on it.

Beckett: I’m going to have to put in a health and safety violation for that.

Lapis: I bet you guys couldn’t even cook bread without the instructions on the box.

Ayn: Bold words coming from someone who can’t even deliver their bread puns right.

Lapis: You take that back, those are fighting words.

Beckett: Lapis, you have to let go.

Lapis: NEVER!

Basel: You began the fight when you sullied my family’s name!


Kim: What the hell is going on? Ayn? Basel?

Ayn: We’re on the phone with the cops and they insulted Basel’s mom.

Kim: You guys Aegis?

Lapis: Yeah, and ready to kick your ass too!

Beta: Beckett, Lapis, are you two prank calling people again?

Lapis: We started it but they made it personal.

Beckett: They hurt Lapis’s feelings and I’m hurt by association.

Beta: Let me handle this. Listen, I’m so sorry about that, I’ll get these two in line. You guys have a great night.

Kim: No problem, see you in hell, copper.

Beta: Huh, those folks were kinda unpleasant. I hope you two have learned your lesson.

Beckett: That could’ve gone better.

Lapis: Yeah… Let’s do it again.

Beckett: Absolutely.